Invisible Wounds

I dreamed last night that I stumbled into the mouth of the cave where the Ancient Crone dwells. I ripped open the front of my gown and over where my heart lies beneath, was an open wound, angry-red and oozing blood. The pain that centered there but radiated out into every fiber of my being was excruciating. I fell to my Mother’s dirty, worn feet and sobbed pitifully, “Help me! This won’t heal and I can’t stand the pain any longer!!” I wept and screamed for the agony of that open, festering wound. The Crone stroked my hair with her gnarled, veined and wrinkled hand, calming me and gently asked, “My daughter of light, what have you done to care for the wound?” I looked up at her rheumy eyes, my own eyes blurry with my tears. “I don’t understand. I just want it to be gone,” I cried. “Daughter,” she sighed. “The wound won’t heal unless you attend to it. It will only get worse if you try to ignore it. You need to take care of it. For only then will you ever be whole and free of this pain again.” Understanding dawned on me then. Yes – some wounds need special care in order to be healed or they will fester until the poison of infection spreads. In my dream, the Mother then led me to the river to attend my wound and to heal, I then woke up. I lay in my bed in the darkness for some time, understanding coming to me in the early morning light. I recently experienced a betrayal that was quite devastating, took me completely by surprise and left me with an enormous, ugly and painful wound on my soul. I’ve struggled so much with wanting to just get over it, to move on, to forget about what happened, to act like it did not leave any impact on me. Most of the time I (thought) I was managing quite well, but more and more, as time went on, instead of the pain lessening, it became more intense, more unpredictable and I felt more confused, hurt and angry. Time heals all wounds? Not always. In cases of emotional abuse, yes, what I went through is emotional abuse, we need to journey on a path to the river to cleanse our wounds and heal our heart and soul. Bodily wounds benefit from cleansing with soap and water, bandages, antibiotics, rest and time. But how do we care for the wounds of our hearts and souls? These wounds are far more devastating than any hurt to our skin or bones, but we tend to ignore them, push them back and deny their existence. Doing so creates an environment where healing is not only impossible, but fosters conditions where festering, sepsis, toxicity and eventual death – death of our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to trust – occurs. I realize that The Crone was telling me that it is not enough merely to let time pass in this. To heal and come out of this with my soul intact and still pure and filled with light, I need to actively engage in cleansing my soul, protect the wound, and salve it with realizing and accepting that I’m worthy of only the highest love. This knowledge and belief is my soothing balm. Surrounding myself with only those people who are good and loving and true is my bandage, and the dignity and authenticity in which I life my life and reflect that onto others are the healing waters that will keep me clean and safe. I am able know to understand now that it doesn’t matter what he did. For he is nothing. What matters is that I spend time healing. And that means I will polish the treasure that is me, guard that treasure a little more wisely now, and continue to share myself with my world. I’ve lost nothing from this mistreatment. In fact I’ve gained much: wisdom, heightened intuition and an appreciation for all who love me, including myself.