It has taken me years and years to return to my wild state. The state of my true and natural self. The state of peace, love and wonder in the world. It has not been an easy journey. I have had to fight off predators in the form of abusive partners, free myself of the cruel leg traps of false friends, avoid the gilded cages of false promises of love and so many other often-hidden detriments to my journey to my authentic, free, perfect, wild self.
My return to my natural state has been arduous at times, but mostly it has been a grand adventure! I revel in my new-found spirituality. I live passionately for the causes of equality, peace and social justice that are so dear to my soul. I no longer care what others may or may not think of me. I make no apologies for my values, my views or my vista of the world. I have rediscovered my sensual nature, and all the beauty, wonder and magic that comes from living in my natural, wild state.
My instincts are strong and trustworthy. I find that I when I completely trust my instincts and go with their flow, my life is in harmony and I not only enjoy peace, my world is a colorful, joyous, magical kingdom which I cannot wait to awaken to every day!
During my recent adventures in this journey called life, I received an unexpected, unlooked for gift. How absolutely perfect this gift fit into my life! Although I was very pleased to receive this gift, it didn’t surprise me that I should receive it. In fact, it made perfect sense to receive such a gift from the Goddess at this point in my journey. This gift has brought a new magic to my life.
The more this gift becomes a part of me, I see something new about it. This gift came with strings attached.
I don’t like strings. I’ve learned that I don’t deal with them well. Strings are hard to hold onto and often knot up. I don’t have the time or patience to work on knots. I’m too busy loving me and who I have discovered I am. Strings also have a way of binding me and to bind me is to submit my spirit to a long and tortuous death. But strings are not always easy to detect. They can be as fine and as sheer as the slender, silken thread of a spider’s web.
I allowed myself to be bound by such a string.
I did something that I didn’t want to do. Something that was so against my nature that even as I write this, I regret to the very core of my soul this thing I did. The act itself is minor. The damage to my soul however, is not. This thing I did was out of love, to please someone, to aquiece to another’s wishes, to give someone what he wanted, and though I gave it with misgiving, I gave it nonetheless.
I gave it while the wild girl child in me screamed and screamed at me not to give it. She, who could see what this would do to me. I ignored her. She, whose voice it is that howls with the wild woods with the wild wolves. I ignored her. She, who looks back at me in the mirror, awed by the beauty she sees reflected there. I ignored her. I betrayed her by giving what I should not have given, and now I can never get it back.
That I did this thing I so regret, has not only damaged my spirit, I find I can no longer enjoy the gift like I did before. Now I see it as a thing to mistrust, to fear. I am afraid of it. What if it demands something more of me that I don’t feel right in giving? What if I listen to my wild child and go against what the gifts wants of me? Will it leave me and re-gift itself to another?
Where I was in love, absolutely and wondrously in love with my wild, true, perfect self, now I dwell in a dark place of remorse, insecurity and self-doubt.
The beautiful wild child is hiding from me. She’s scared to come back for fear I will betray myself again and do something again that goes against my nature in order to please someone else.
I miss her and I need to find her again. I will set out for the places I know she haunts: Magical forests where fairies, colorful mushrooms and the lynx dwell. I will search for her in the pages of a Diana Paxson, J.R.R. Tolkien, or J.K. Roweling book. I will listen to her child-like laughter in a funny joke; her siren song in a Wagner opera or in the music of Led Zeppelin and Rush; and I will look for her tracks near the standing stones of Ancient Albion…
