Invisible Wounds

I dreamed last night that I stumbled into the mouth of the cave where the Ancient Crone dwells. I ripped open the front of my gown and over where my heart lies beneath, was an open wound, angry-red and oozing blood. The pain that centered there but radiated out into every fiber of my being was excruciating. I fell to my Mother’s dirty, worn feet and sobbed pitifully, “Help me! This won’t heal and I can’t stand the pain any longer!!” I wept and screamed for the agony of that open, festering wound. The Crone stroked my hair with her gnarled, veined and wrinkled hand, calming me and gently asked, “My daughter of light, what have you done to care for the wound?” I looked up at her rheumy eyes, my own eyes blurry with my tears. “I don’t understand. I just want it to be gone,” I cried. “Daughter,” she sighed. “The wound won’t heal unless you attend to it. It will only get worse if you try to ignore it. You need to take care of it. For only then will you ever be whole and free of this pain again.” Understanding dawned on me then. Yes – some wounds need special care in order to be healed or they will fester until the poison of infection spreads. In my dream, the Mother then led me to the river to attend my wound and to heal, I then woke up. I lay in my bed in the darkness for some time, understanding coming to me in the early morning light. I recently experienced a betrayal that was quite devastating, took me completely by surprise and left me with an enormous, ugly and painful wound on my soul. I’ve struggled so much with wanting to just get over it, to move on, to forget about what happened, to act like it did not leave any impact on me. Most of the time I (thought) I was managing quite well, but more and more, as time went on, instead of the pain lessening, it became more intense, more unpredictable and I felt more confused, hurt and angry. Time heals all wounds? Not always. In cases of emotional abuse, yes, what I went through is emotional abuse, we need to journey on a path to the river to cleanse our wounds and heal our heart and soul. Bodily wounds benefit from cleansing with soap and water, bandages, antibiotics, rest and time. But how do we care for the wounds of our hearts and souls? These wounds are far more devastating than any hurt to our skin or bones, but we tend to ignore them, push them back and deny their existence. Doing so creates an environment where healing is not only impossible, but fosters conditions where festering, sepsis, toxicity and eventual death – death of our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to trust – occurs. I realize that The Crone was telling me that it is not enough merely to let time pass in this. To heal and come out of this with my soul intact and still pure and filled with light, I need to actively engage in cleansing my soul, protect the wound, and salve it with realizing and accepting that I’m worthy of only the highest love. This knowledge and belief is my soothing balm. Surrounding myself with only those people who are good and loving and true is my bandage, and the dignity and authenticity in which I life my life and reflect that onto others are the healing waters that will keep me clean and safe. I am able know to understand now that it doesn’t matter what he did. For he is nothing. What matters is that I spend time healing. And that means I will polish the treasure that is me, guard that treasure a little more wisely now, and continue to share myself with my world. I’ve lost nothing from this mistreatment. In fact I’ve gained much: wisdom, heightened intuition and an appreciation for all who love me, including myself.

Dancing in the Red Shoes

I awoke from a dream in the middle of the still and silent night. In my dream I approached the cave where the Ancient Crone dwelled. I’ve visit her often in my dreams. This particular night, I was dancing out of control, unable to stop - spinning wildly, my flaming hair a whirlwind, my clothes tattered and flying about me.

On my feet I wore those red shoes I could not remove. Shoes that were not made by me but that I foolishly allowed myself to be tricked into putting on, only to find that I could not remove them not matter what I tried. I had danced and danced.  These shoes were made by a man, a man set out to deceive and hurt me. These shoes were not of my own creation. At first the dancing felt so sensual and exciting. It made me feel free and bold and daring. Soon though, I realized that these shoes and this dance were not me and I longed to return to my barefoot state. My natural state. My true state. Too late I knew the shoes could not simply be taken off and I although I came to loathe them and the shameless, erratic dancing, nothing I did made any difference. I continued to spin out of control, whirling past and around my soul in a frenzied uneven rhythm. I loved the feeling the wild dance brought, yet I hated what it was doing to my soul, for I was consumed. I was mortified that I gave myself up to this killing dance, yet I couldn’t get enough. Wispy images of excessive thinking, meaningless and unsatisfying sex, fantasies, lies, obsession, drunkenness, loathing and fear whirled about me as I approached the mouth of the cave.

“Mother, please help me!” I pleaded to the Crone, desperately screaming and weeping, “I can’t stop and this dancing is killing me!” 

 

“Come my child,” My Ancient Mother soothed me and held open her bony, tattooed and scarred arms to me, “These shoes are not for you.” I collapsed at her feet in a puddle of writhing. The Crone pulled out a small sword from the folds of her tattered garment and to my horror and with any hesitation on her part; she swiftly and brutally cut off my feet. Blood spewed forth hot and wet, soaking the floor of the cave, blackening the gray, cold stone. The agony was excruciating!

“It hurts! It hurts so badly I can’t bare it” I screamed, watching my crimson, blood spill forth. “Only for a bit,” my Mother reassured me unsmilingly, “But you will soon thank me. For this is the only way you will ever be rid of the dancing that is killing your soul.” I did not believe her. As much as the shoes had hurt me and were clearly not made for me, without the dancing I felt ordinary, plain, bored, tamed and domestic. What did I have now to excite me, distract me from the mundane, entertain me and make me feel alive, fill me with desire and make me feel alive? The pain was unbearable and I would have given anything to have the shoes back on. 

The Mother removed my clothing, and despite her frailty gently lifted me in her arms and carried me, trailing blood, to a serene, crystal-clear pool of water in the middle of a sun-dappled forest where she gently immersed me in the pool’s depths. “Rest now my child of light. Trust that all will be as it should and you will heal,” she gently but firmly told me, and she turned and left me alone in my agony and tears.  

I lay in the cool water, protesting but unable to rise up, refusing to believe that I could live without feeling the rapture of that wild dance again. I kept calling to the Crone to put the shoes back on – for I was certain that if given another chance to wear them, I could control myself but alas, she made her slow unsteady way back to the cave. I squeezed my eyes shut as the tears fell. I wept and howled and raged a long time. I railed against my fate until there were no more tears to cry and I was exhausted.

After a time the pain and unfamiliarity lessened somewhat and I opened my eyes. Mists of images of my children and family, my friends, my career, education, and books, arose from the water and I watched these images play before my red rimmed eyes. I saw myself barefoot as I had been before being seduced to don those perilous, man-made red shoes. I saw myself as I a truly am: beautiful,  strong, independent, loving and spiritual. Then at once it seemed, the pain receded and all I felt was a profound relief. I was free. I was me again. I breathed a deep, contented sigh and was restored to peace. I lifted my legs up out of the water and found that the deadly red shoes were gone and my feet had been restored, unscarred and as strong and whole and able to take me on my destiny as ever.

I stood naked and dripping strong and real, and walked barefoot back to my path.

 

 The red shoe legend is symbolic of any behavior that leads us from our true selves and forces us to dance wildly and uncontrollably away from our path. The red shoes are obsession, fantasies disguised as reality, addiction, eating disorders… The only way to rid ourselves of these deadly dances is to cut off the shoes completely and all at once. It is painful. That’s why addiction and codependency are so horrible and terrifying. We lose ourselves to the dance that at first feels so good but quickly spirals out of control. We must learn to walk barefoot again. 

Sometimes I miss the red shoes – I miss the dancing as it was when I first put the shoes on. But I know they aren’t for me and that I need to steer clear of the seduction of sinister cobblers disguised as old friends.

Do I regret my time in the red shoes? Yes, of course, but only insomuch that I will never have that lost, precious time back: time that I wasted on something ugly and false. I console myself  by chalking it up to a life experience that taught me much. I learned that to lose one’s self is the greatest sin, if indeed sin exists.

I am content now most times to walk. Walk my own path and dance barefoot to the music of my soul.

I would remiss in not expressing my deep, deep appreciation to Katie who introduced me and placed me in the care of La loba, The Wolf Woman; Tracy and Jenifer, for being vital in my return to my barefoot state. I love you and value you more than I can ever say or show.  It’s a rare blessing for a woman to have such a circle of friends.

 

The Gift That is Us

A recent experience has led me to examine my worth and how much I value myself as a woman. For many reasons, women often hold on too long to relationships that don’t honor them. We are afraid of being alone, we’re scared no one else will love us, we are dependent on another person financially, emotionally and psychologically. We settle for less than we deserve. When someone hurts or betrays us, we wonder what we did wrong in order to warrant such treatment. We tell ourselves “If only I was more ________ (pretty, sexy, fun - the list is endless), he/she would ___________ (love me, make time for me, put me first - again the list is endless).

            I’ve come to understand that when someone acts toward me in a way that goes against what my soul desires and needs, it is not due to any defect or wrongdoing on my part. It simply means that the other person has been careless with my gifts and that my needs are not being met. My gifts and love are too precious to casually drop into the lap of someone who doesn’t appreciate their value. My light is too beautiful to be put in the care of someone who is afraid of or won’t tend my fire. We can lose sight of the value of the treasure that is us, and our light will fade if these are not carefully guarded.

            So many people think it takes great courage and strength to consciously let in the light bearers and shut out the ones who would steal our treasures and carelessly toss them in the trash, but I say it’s how much we love ourselves that enables us to make these vital choices. Loving ourselves means we honor our gifts and value our worth. We recognize how precious and magical we are. When we realize and really embrace our worth and beauty, there is no way we could ever entrust our gifts or light to someone who doesn’t value us as much as we value ourselves. There is no replacement for this true, deep and vital love.

            Closing the door and moving on from someone or a relationship that wounds our souls is imperative to our self-preservation and peace, and it is absolutely necessary in order for us to be free to polish our treasures and tend to our light for others who honor us to receive.

            When we love, respect and honor ourselves in this way, our love for ourselves and others radiates throughout the universe and we find more and more people and relationships that are worthy of our gifts and our light.



Perilous Gifts

It has taken me years and years to return to my wild state. The state of my true and natural self. The state of peace, love and wonder in the world. It has not been an easy journey. I have had to fight off predators in the form of abusive partners, free myself of the cruel leg traps of false friends, avoid the gilded cages of false promises of love and so many other often-hidden detriments to my journey to my authentic, free, perfect, wild self.

My return to my natural state has been arduous at times, but mostly it has been a grand adventure! I revel in my new-found spirituality. I live passionately for the causes of equality, peace and social justice that are so dear to my soul. I no longer care what others may or may not think of me. I make no apologies for my values, my views or my vista of the world. I have rediscovered my sensual nature, and all the beauty, wonder and magic that comes from living in my natural, wild state.

My instincts are strong and trustworthy. I find that I when I completely trust my instincts and go with their flow, my life is in harmony and I not only enjoy peace, my world is a colorful, joyous, magical kingdom which I cannot wait to awaken to every day!

During my recent adventures in this journey called life, I received an unexpected, unlooked for gift. How absolutely perfect this gift fit into my life! Although I was very pleased to receive this gift, it didn’t surprise me that I should receive it. In fact, it made perfect sense to receive such a gift from the Goddess at this point in my journey. This gift has brought a new magic to my life.

The more this gift becomes a part of me, I see something new about it. This gift came with strings attached.

I don’t like strings. I’ve learned that I don’t deal with them well. Strings are hard to hold onto and often knot up. I don’t have the time or patience to work on knots. I’m too busy loving me and who I have discovered I am. Strings also have a way of binding me and to bind me is to submit my spirit to a long and tortuous death. But strings are not always easy to detect. They can be as fine and as sheer as the slender, silken thread of a spider’s web.

I allowed myself to be bound by such a string.

I did something that I didn’t want to do. Something that was so against my nature that even as I write this, I regret to the very core of my soul this thing I did. The act itself is minor. The damage to my soul however, is not. This thing I did was out of love, to please someone, to aquiece to another’s wishes, to give someone what he wanted, and though I gave it with misgiving, I gave it nonetheless.

I gave it while the wild girl child in me screamed and screamed at me not to give it. She, who could see what this would do to me. I ignored her. She, whose voice it is that howls with the wild woods with the wild wolves. I ignored her. She, who looks back at me in the mirror, awed by the beauty she sees reflected there. I ignored her. I betrayed her by giving what I should not have given, and now I can never get it back.

That I did this thing I so regret, has not only damaged my spirit, I find I can no longer enjoy the gift like I did before. Now I see it as a thing to mistrust, to fear. I am afraid of it. What if it demands something more of me that I don’t feel right in giving? What if I listen to my wild child and go against what the gifts wants of me? Will it leave me and re-gift itself to another?

Where I was in love, absolutely and wondrously in love with my wild, true, perfect self, now I dwell in a dark place of remorse, insecurity and self-doubt.

The beautiful wild child is hiding from me. She’s scared to come back for fear I will betray myself again and do something again that goes against my nature in order to please someone else.

I miss her and I need to find her again. I will set out for the places I know she haunts: Magical forests where fairies, colorful mushrooms and the lynx dwell. I will search for her in the pages of a Diana Paxson, J.R.R. Tolkien, or J.K. Roweling book. I will listen to her child-like laughter in a funny joke; her siren song in a Wagner opera or in the music of Led Zeppelin and Rush; and I will look for her tracks near the standing stones of Ancient Albion…  

It's been a while since I've written in my blog. That's okay. I follow my path where it takes me and for a while it's led me on some adventures (which will be a topic I will share when I need to) but now I am back here.

Think about where we dwell. I’m not writing of our country, our city, our home, our street. Where do we dwell? Where are our spirits? The real us? A friend shared with me this week that she has never seen so much light radiating from someone. We explored together what makes us shine.

For me, it is like except for fleeting occasions, I lived in a dark cave. The cave was dark, but it was remote and that meant no one could get near enough to hurt me. The cave was very dark, but it was familiar even though I couldn’t see very well in it. I had lived in the cave almost my entire life and I could move around its confines with what I thought was confidence. The cave was extremely dark at times but the light outside reflected shadows that were terrifying!

Once in a great while, I would get the courage to approach the entrance of the cave and venture a peek out. What I saw where glimpses of sun, but that sun, shadows enormous, unknown and towering scared me so much that I retreated back into the uncomfortable, yet familiar confines of my cave. Those shadows loomed jagged, monstrous and menacing above me. There was no way I could challenge or face those horrifying shadows! Surely they must be perilous!

Many years passed inside my cave and I grew older and more at ease. I began to more and more walk to the entrance of the cave, testing myself and the shadows. I began to question what they were really made of. I even stuck my toe out once and the wholesome warmth of what I felt seemed to radiate through me until I was no longer satisfied with the cold, damp, dank chill of my cave.

One day, and I don’t remember exactly when, I looked outside the entrance of my cave and told myself I had had enough of darkness, confinement and limitations. I took a deep breath and ran full speed outside!

I defiantly looked up at the monsters that had been the shadowed demons of my dreams for so many years, only to discover to my delight, immense relief and joy, that they were giant, colorful, succulent, beautiful mushrooms! Mushrooms of every shape, size and hue! Mushrooms spotted and speckled and sun-kissed! Swaying in the gentle breeze that showed glimpse of an enchanted forest surrounding them, these mushrooms were heralds and beacons to another world.

Once out in the light, and free at last from the dark, damp confines of my cave I never looked back. I spent a lot of time with the mushrooms, who once I mistook for monsters. I so enjoyed their colors, scents and personalities. I became well acquainted with the forest creatures that enjoyed the mushrooms too. Squirrels, chipmunks, foxes and great noble stags visited me and I learned great, real wisdom from them. Some of them seem vaguely familiar to me, like wise ancestors who had become before me, but who I had never taken the time to learn from. Others were new to me, but I felt it was right to let them in and to share myself with them.

No longer was I alone in darkness. My first foray into the light had reawakened a strength I had always had, but long ago had forgotten.  I nurtured that strength for a long time among my new companions who were true. I became strong, healthy and eager to continue on into the light…

 

The gift of the Goddess

Since my departure from the patriarchal, shaming world of the Roman Catholic church, one of the greatest gifts I have been blessed with is realizing and celebrating the magic in life. I've opened myself to the wonders that the universe holds and in return, have received spiritual gifts that delight my soul and cement my belief that I was created in joy and should live in joy.

One of the greatest gifts I've discovered is that of being woman. Where once I was taught that women are subservient to men, inately evil and in fact the downfall of humankind (the myth of Adam and Eve), I know celebrate the magic and mystery that is my birthright.

The traditional views regarding human sexuality, especially where women are concerned as expressed and taught by the religions of Christianity, Islam and Judeaism, are a far cry from the beauty that Old Religion gives us.

Once, women were held in honor because of their gift to bring life into the world. It was women who chose their sexual partners, and inheritence was passed down the woman's line. Marriage as we know it, didn't exist. Two people came together in love and mutual consent, then when either felt the need to pursue another direction, this decision was respected by all. This way of life does not equate to promiscuity as we would lable it today. Physical love did not have the stigma or chains we attach to it today.

Union between men and women was often an integral component of worship and celebration in the Old Religion. What greater way to honor the life force but to come together in a life affirming way?

It's sad to me that gifts the Goddess has given us women have been reduced to what has been dictated to us by misogynists in power. Our innate sensual selves have been oppressed for so long, that I fear that many of us do not even recognize our power and magic.

Each woman owes it to her love relationship partner, her sons and daughters, her world, and most especially herself, to be open to the gifts of the Goddess and delight in her womanhood and the beauty of her sexuality

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Dreams as Gifts

For almost 20 years, I quite regularly dream about a lover from my past. These dreams vary in setting and circumstance but always employ the same theme: a true sense of what is right and good in love relationships.

Sometimes the dreams are erotic, but sometimes they are not. Often I dream we are together just talking or driving, or walking together in a park. Sometimes he holds me in a safe, comforting embrace and sometimes I just dream of his face.

 

Do these dreams signify that I want to be unfaithful to my husband? No – I love my husband and we have a good, solid and loving marriage. There are many different types of love in our lives and to compare them takes away the beauty of each.

Do these dreams mean I am pining for a lost love? No at all – I am able to recall this love with happiness and satisfaction. I feel in my soul these magical dreams are a gift of my Divine Mother to allow me to remember and cherish a time in my life when I was coming into my womanhood, and for the first time, experienced a truly passionate and wonderful love.

Dreams as Healers

I dream a lot. My dreams are vivid, in color and I remember most of them in the morning. Many people have theories on why we dream and what our dreams mean. Mine is that they connect us to our spirituality. Some dreams allow us to process painful, unresolved issues that prevent us from being free. I think others are a gift of our Divine Mother to add a bit of magic to our lives, which I will share about in my next post.

I grew up in an alcoholic family and have had many scars inside due to the sick environment I grew up in. I’ve had recurring, painful dreams of my family ever since I was a child, particularly about my mom who I was never connected to. For years these dreams would haunt me and I’d awaken crying, scared and sad. I would go through my day unable to shake the depressing feelings that these dreams left me. I dreamed that my mom was always comparing me to my siblings and was disappointed in the person I am, telling me she wished I could be more like my sisters.

I am different than my sisters. At home, when everyone else was trying to keep the peace, I raged against what I saw. This behavior is unacceptable in a family where you pretend and try to maintain the secrets.

Through the years, with maturity, therapy and self-acceptance, my dreams about my mom have changed. They are still painful but where once my mom was berating me, we are now face to face talking with each other. I’m hopeful that in time, I will come to terms and be comfortable with accepting how it was growing up.

I now can turn to my Divine Mother for the nurturing, support and acceptance I didn’t have as a child, and that frees me to resolve my relationship with my mom.

Prayer

When I was a Christian in the traditional, patriarchal way, my prayers consisted mostly of memorized words that were hurriedly mumbled without thought to their meaning; fervent pleas for forgiveness of what the Catholic Church had taught me was sin; or desperate bargaining when something unfavorable happened in my life. Almost never did I just stop and say a prayer for thanks or celebration that didn’t have some kind of guilt attached.

If I felt joyous, that feeling was quickly overshadowed by the stern reminder that took on the form of a bearded God judging me from his throne in the clouds that I was inherently sinful, in fact I was cursed from the moment of I conceived – original sin – and I had no right to be joyful.

If I felt contentment, I was reminded by that same God that these feelings were fleeting, for I must always be on my guard against sin and Satan, and that suffering was itself a prayer to Him.

When something “happened” to me and it did “happen” because God is in control of our lives, not us, I made bargains, “If you make this better, I promise I’ll never….” The outcome was never satisfactory to me and only furthered my guilt. I had to right to bargain with God.

I no longer pray like this, nor is my God the severe, judge I was taught. I see God as actually God and Goddess, the co-creators of my spirit who delight in me. I was created in love and magic, sinless. They foster a desire for me to cultivate peace, love and justice; to be a part of a universe that is a celebration of life.

I pray to them to thank them for imparting in me my uniqueness and to share my joy of living this life. When I make a mistake or hurt another, they take me into their loving embrace and reassure me that I am still loved unconditionally and guide me to seek experience and wisdom from my mistake.

When they feel my joy, wonder and peace, it is reflected to the world.

When I pray now, it is with a sense of true spirituality, love, gratefulness and awe.

God, as defined by traditional Christian doctrine limits many of us to a fearful relationship with our Creator. God is entirely more immense than we could ever imagine, so why should we imagine we know who He or She or It is and tell others that their image is false?

 

Every day in the editorial section of the Rochester Post Bulletin, there is at least one letter to the editor either in favor of or against the gay marriage amendment. One I read the other day, in favor of banning gay marriage, spoke of how the church would see a miracle and overcome this issue by a successful ban. The writer used the miracle at Guadalupe as proof that the church maintains its members in part by miracles. The writer told how the conquerors faced dwindling numbers of converts until the Virgin Mary appeared. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this. I think perhaps that the low numbers of converts had much to do with the mass slaughter of the indigenous peoples by those conquerors and their missionaries.

Growing up Catholic and attending Catholic schools, I was always taught how the heathens were mercifully saved when the Christians "came to their countries, preaching the Word." We were to hold in the highest of esteem and respect for the holy men who courageously faced the barbarians and even gave their life in the cause of salvation. These were indeed men of God and we were to model ourselves after them and work to save the mislead and doomed (non-Catholics).

It wasn't until I took a Beginnings of Western Civilization course in college that I learned that the conversion of so-called pagan groups was more often forced than not and that native culture was destroyed and identity lost. All in the name of religion.

I remember being a young girl and having the idea that perhaps God was okay with Pagans, Native American spirituality, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism and all other "religions" that cultivate peace, love and respect. Perhaps He understood that for their own culture, that was the way they worshipped Him and He was immense enough to accept that. Perhaps it was man who felt the need to control and convert and man was acting for his own ends and not God's, and certainly not in the spirit of love.

This idea has stuck with me and is the catalyst for my current journey. The more I learn about the history of the Catholic church and Christianity all together, and the more I open myself to the truth of the Sacred Light, I doubt that the church is acting as Jesus taught. His message is so simple. If we truly lived by "Love one another as I have loved you," there would be no war or religious conflict.

I always remember a quote that Kevin Costner said in the movie "Robin Hood-Prince of Thieves" when he spoke of the crusades:

My father said it is vanity to force other men to your religion.
I agree.

Blessed Mabon

Today is Mabon, the autumnal equinox. I love this time of year. I feel energized by the cooler weather, colors of the leaves and the wind. I love to take walks in our woods and imagine fairies and elves are watching me.