It's been a while since I've written in my blog. That's okay. I follow my path where it takes me and for a while it's led me on some adventures (which will be a topic I will share when I need to) but now I am back here.

Think about where we dwell. I’m not writing of our country, our city, our home, our street. Where do we dwell? Where are our spirits? The real us? A friend shared with me this week that she has never seen so much light radiating from someone. We explored together what makes us shine.

For me, it is like except for fleeting occasions, I lived in a dark cave. The cave was dark, but it was remote and that meant no one could get near enough to hurt me. The cave was very dark, but it was familiar even though I couldn’t see very well in it. I had lived in the cave almost my entire life and I could move around its confines with what I thought was confidence. The cave was extremely dark at times but the light outside reflected shadows that were terrifying!

Once in a great while, I would get the courage to approach the entrance of the cave and venture a peek out. What I saw where glimpses of sun, but that sun, shadows enormous, unknown and towering scared me so much that I retreated back into the uncomfortable, yet familiar confines of my cave. Those shadows loomed jagged, monstrous and menacing above me. There was no way I could challenge or face those horrifying shadows! Surely they must be perilous!

Many years passed inside my cave and I grew older and more at ease. I began to more and more walk to the entrance of the cave, testing myself and the shadows. I began to question what they were really made of. I even stuck my toe out once and the wholesome warmth of what I felt seemed to radiate through me until I was no longer satisfied with the cold, damp, dank chill of my cave.

One day, and I don’t remember exactly when, I looked outside the entrance of my cave and told myself I had had enough of darkness, confinement and limitations. I took a deep breath and ran full speed outside!

I defiantly looked up at the monsters that had been the shadowed demons of my dreams for so many years, only to discover to my delight, immense relief and joy, that they were giant, colorful, succulent, beautiful mushrooms! Mushrooms of every shape, size and hue! Mushrooms spotted and speckled and sun-kissed! Swaying in the gentle breeze that showed glimpse of an enchanted forest surrounding them, these mushrooms were heralds and beacons to another world.

Once out in the light, and free at last from the dark, damp confines of my cave I never looked back. I spent a lot of time with the mushrooms, who once I mistook for monsters. I so enjoyed their colors, scents and personalities. I became well acquainted with the forest creatures that enjoyed the mushrooms too. Squirrels, chipmunks, foxes and great noble stags visited me and I learned great, real wisdom from them. Some of them seem vaguely familiar to me, like wise ancestors who had become before me, but who I had never taken the time to learn from. Others were new to me, but I felt it was right to let them in and to share myself with them.

No longer was I alone in darkness. My first foray into the light had reawakened a strength I had always had, but long ago had forgotten.  I nurtured that strength for a long time among my new companions who were true. I became strong, healthy and eager to continue on into the light…

 

The gift of the Goddess

Since my departure from the patriarchal, shaming world of the Roman Catholic church, one of the greatest gifts I have been blessed with is realizing and celebrating the magic in life. I've opened myself to the wonders that the universe holds and in return, have received spiritual gifts that delight my soul and cement my belief that I was created in joy and should live in joy.

One of the greatest gifts I've discovered is that of being woman. Where once I was taught that women are subservient to men, inately evil and in fact the downfall of humankind (the myth of Adam and Eve), I know celebrate the magic and mystery that is my birthright.

The traditional views regarding human sexuality, especially where women are concerned as expressed and taught by the religions of Christianity, Islam and Judeaism, are a far cry from the beauty that Old Religion gives us.

Once, women were held in honor because of their gift to bring life into the world. It was women who chose their sexual partners, and inheritence was passed down the woman's line. Marriage as we know it, didn't exist. Two people came together in love and mutual consent, then when either felt the need to pursue another direction, this decision was respected by all. This way of life does not equate to promiscuity as we would lable it today. Physical love did not have the stigma or chains we attach to it today.

Union between men and women was often an integral component of worship and celebration in the Old Religion. What greater way to honor the life force but to come together in a life affirming way?

It's sad to me that gifts the Goddess has given us women have been reduced to what has been dictated to us by misogynists in power. Our innate sensual selves have been oppressed for so long, that I fear that many of us do not even recognize our power and magic.

Each woman owes it to her love relationship partner, her sons and daughters, her world, and most especially herself, to be open to the gifts of the Goddess and delight in her womanhood and the beauty of her sexuality

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Dreams as Gifts

For almost 20 years, I quite regularly dream about a lover from my past. These dreams vary in setting and circumstance but always employ the same theme: a true sense of what is right and good in love relationships.

Sometimes the dreams are erotic, but sometimes they are not. Often I dream we are together just talking or driving, or walking together in a park. Sometimes he holds me in a safe, comforting embrace and sometimes I just dream of his face.

 

Do these dreams signify that I want to be unfaithful to my husband? No – I love my husband and we have a good, solid and loving marriage. There are many different types of love in our lives and to compare them takes away the beauty of each.

Do these dreams mean I am pining for a lost love? No at all – I am able to recall this love with happiness and satisfaction. I feel in my soul these magical dreams are a gift of my Divine Mother to allow me to remember and cherish a time in my life when I was coming into my womanhood, and for the first time, experienced a truly passionate and wonderful love.

Dreams as Healers

I dream a lot. My dreams are vivid, in color and I remember most of them in the morning. Many people have theories on why we dream and what our dreams mean. Mine is that they connect us to our spirituality. Some dreams allow us to process painful, unresolved issues that prevent us from being free. I think others are a gift of our Divine Mother to add a bit of magic to our lives, which I will share about in my next post.

I grew up in an alcoholic family and have had many scars inside due to the sick environment I grew up in. I’ve had recurring, painful dreams of my family ever since I was a child, particularly about my mom who I was never connected to. For years these dreams would haunt me and I’d awaken crying, scared and sad. I would go through my day unable to shake the depressing feelings that these dreams left me. I dreamed that my mom was always comparing me to my siblings and was disappointed in the person I am, telling me she wished I could be more like my sisters.

I am different than my sisters. At home, when everyone else was trying to keep the peace, I raged against what I saw. This behavior is unacceptable in a family where you pretend and try to maintain the secrets.

Through the years, with maturity, therapy and self-acceptance, my dreams about my mom have changed. They are still painful but where once my mom was berating me, we are now face to face talking with each other. I’m hopeful that in time, I will come to terms and be comfortable with accepting how it was growing up.

I now can turn to my Divine Mother for the nurturing, support and acceptance I didn’t have as a child, and that frees me to resolve my relationship with my mom.

Prayer

When I was a Christian in the traditional, patriarchal way, my prayers consisted mostly of memorized words that were hurriedly mumbled without thought to their meaning; fervent pleas for forgiveness of what the Catholic Church had taught me was sin; or desperate bargaining when something unfavorable happened in my life. Almost never did I just stop and say a prayer for thanks or celebration that didn’t have some kind of guilt attached.

If I felt joyous, that feeling was quickly overshadowed by the stern reminder that took on the form of a bearded God judging me from his throne in the clouds that I was inherently sinful, in fact I was cursed from the moment of I conceived – original sin – and I had no right to be joyful.

If I felt contentment, I was reminded by that same God that these feelings were fleeting, for I must always be on my guard against sin and Satan, and that suffering was itself a prayer to Him.

When something “happened” to me and it did “happen” because God is in control of our lives, not us, I made bargains, “If you make this better, I promise I’ll never….” The outcome was never satisfactory to me and only furthered my guilt. I had to right to bargain with God.

I no longer pray like this, nor is my God the severe, judge I was taught. I see God as actually God and Goddess, the co-creators of my spirit who delight in me. I was created in love and magic, sinless. They foster a desire for me to cultivate peace, love and justice; to be a part of a universe that is a celebration of life.

I pray to them to thank them for imparting in me my uniqueness and to share my joy of living this life. When I make a mistake or hurt another, they take me into their loving embrace and reassure me that I am still loved unconditionally and guide me to seek experience and wisdom from my mistake.

When they feel my joy, wonder and peace, it is reflected to the world.

When I pray now, it is with a sense of true spirituality, love, gratefulness and awe.

God, as defined by traditional Christian doctrine limits many of us to a fearful relationship with our Creator. God is entirely more immense than we could ever imagine, so why should we imagine we know who He or She or It is and tell others that their image is false?

 

Every day in the editorial section of the Rochester Post Bulletin, there is at least one letter to the editor either in favor of or against the gay marriage amendment. One I read the other day, in favor of banning gay marriage, spoke of how the church would see a miracle and overcome this issue by a successful ban. The writer used the miracle at Guadalupe as proof that the church maintains its members in part by miracles. The writer told how the conquerors faced dwindling numbers of converts until the Virgin Mary appeared. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this. I think perhaps that the low numbers of converts had much to do with the mass slaughter of the indigenous peoples by those conquerors and their missionaries.

Growing up Catholic and attending Catholic schools, I was always taught how the heathens were mercifully saved when the Christians "came to their countries, preaching the Word." We were to hold in the highest of esteem and respect for the holy men who courageously faced the barbarians and even gave their life in the cause of salvation. These were indeed men of God and we were to model ourselves after them and work to save the mislead and doomed (non-Catholics).

It wasn't until I took a Beginnings of Western Civilization course in college that I learned that the conversion of so-called pagan groups was more often forced than not and that native culture was destroyed and identity lost. All in the name of religion.

I remember being a young girl and having the idea that perhaps God was okay with Pagans, Native American spirituality, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism and all other "religions" that cultivate peace, love and respect. Perhaps He understood that for their own culture, that was the way they worshipped Him and He was immense enough to accept that. Perhaps it was man who felt the need to control and convert and man was acting for his own ends and not God's, and certainly not in the spirit of love.

This idea has stuck with me and is the catalyst for my current journey. The more I learn about the history of the Catholic church and Christianity all together, and the more I open myself to the truth of the Sacred Light, I doubt that the church is acting as Jesus taught. His message is so simple. If we truly lived by "Love one another as I have loved you," there would be no war or religious conflict.

I always remember a quote that Kevin Costner said in the movie "Robin Hood-Prince of Thieves" when he spoke of the crusades:

My father said it is vanity to force other men to your religion.
I agree.

Blessed Mabon

Today is Mabon, the autumnal equinox. I love this time of year. I feel energized by the cooler weather, colors of the leaves and the wind. I love to take walks in our woods and imagine fairies and elves are watching me.